Grappling with a lot of things from my past.
With my great grandma in the hospital I can’t help but think of when my grandad declined. Anything relating to death or hospitalized illness makes me immediately go back to that and freeze up. I was told visiting right now wouldn’t be a good idea because she wasn’t really aware of what’s going on and that brought me back to seeing my grandad struggle to remember who I was and going in and out of the hospital where I got used to the daily visits after school. But I felt helpless and knew as much as he struggled to recognize me, I’d never really get to know him. That I should have spent more time with him. I’ll always feel that regret.
I also followed a train of thought that was bugging me. And I brought back something I was trying to repress. It was the reason I gave up pursuing writing and journalism. I had forgotten that was something I really wanted to do, that I had at one point considered it my future. I want to write it out in full detail because I remember it all now, better than most memories and I want it out, but at the same time it feels weak. At least trauma-wise.